The uncompelling thoughts of a 15-year old Saudi, living what may or may not be the same routine, throughout 365 days.

Dreams only last for a night
Day #365

Here goes the beginning of the end. I was dotted with sparks of inspiration earlier today, and I still am. I’m not quite sure what to make of the fact that I’m done with this blog for good. I mean sure, I’d start a few sub-blogs or whatever, but this is one part that’s over. My mind’s been set on a 365-day photo blog for quite a while now, just to reignite my passion for photography and fuel it. I’m uncertain yet, but it’s in the works, most likely.
I’d like to take a moment to revisit where I’d been 365 days ago. I had an idea, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go on with it for a whole year, which only made this a whole lot more exciting than I’d give it the credit to be. I didn’t start this as something mandatory though, and it made it a little easier to deal with that way, but I assume I was persistent enough to proceed with it every day.
So here I am, one year later. If all fails throughout my teenage years, at least that’s something to pull out of this mess, a little goal that’s finally been achieved and off my chest. It’s almost insane how many things can change in a year, and how much a perspective on its own would take a twist once spread on a sheet of potential. I’m grateful, that’s for sure. Grateful that despite the uselessness of the past years, I’ve gained something worth everything out of it. At least it’s something I could look back on, and laugh at how immature my thoughts were, but having an entrance to my mindset at the time.
It’s been a good year and I intend to go on with my mindless blogging, but for now, I can’t come up with a conclusion that would be the perfect bow on top, so I’ll end it with a farewell and hopes for better times ahead. Adios!

0 notes (6:01)
Day #364

I’ve been prolonging this for the longest time. Maybe it’s for a reason or a specific purpose, no one could really tell just yet. I’m beginning to think that having the time to sit solitarily with my thoughts is lethal, in its own twisted way. They are somehow my best friends and worst enemies, and as unusual as it may sound, I’d never give that up for a thing. It’s my stupidest and most ridiculous of thoughts that make me who I am, not that I’m quite proud just yet, but I’m working on it. I couldn’t think of a way to phrase them, unfathomable in a non-complex way. It’s not surprising, as I’ve recently been facing the realization that I’m bad at phrasing things, no matter how simple. Not a pity act at all, but more of a droning idea that sits at the back of my head being my sternest critic. I hope I’m wrong, because I’m aware just how devastating it is to devote so much of your time into something you’re not naturally talented at, and I do love writing a whole lot, but sometimes I’m uncertain of many things I write and I’d get pretty skeptical about a few things here and there, mostly. I need the confidence boost at times, and it’s a majority of time that I don’t know where to get it. Loose ends to the ties until I make it by.

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Day #363

I can’t stop thinking today. My brain’s on a roll, and it won’t let me go, at least for now. I’m the furthest from organized, but all I know is that I have those thoughts that can be expressed in a way or another, but instead they choose to pile up in my head and form a clog of notions. I’d write a poem, but I don’t have words. I’d draw, but that practically cancels itself out with my terrible drawing skills. I’m gonna be stuck here with my make-believe way with words that I’m not so sure I have, after all. It’s all too much to bother with writing, and if I were to scrawl my entire train of thought I’d need the entire day. I take one day for granted far too many times, and that’s not something I should take upon seeing as it’s a waste of time every time. Some things can never be learned, but I can only hope to improve that about my ideal thinking.

1 note (3:14)
Day #362

It’s almost as if I want the days to go by quickly. Some days do, undeniably, and others drag on. In essence, it’s what’s been done throughout the day that matters rather than how long the day’s been. I wouldn’t exactly call a day productive until it pays off. Granted, some days are as productive as you can deem them to be and others take a while for you to realize that you’ve spent them well, but in the end it’s what pays off that matters and nothing else. I only have a slight clue as to what I’m rambling on about. Physics takes out the best in me and drains it all away, and in all honesty, over five hours of trying to stomach the concepts and laws of it were more than enough for me to lose my mind. I don’t enjoy physics in the slightest, it makes no sense to me and I’d much rather do maths instead. I hope today turns out to be one of those days spent very well.

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Day #361

I’m almost scared. Almost. I don’t want to write a thing to make this blog look stupid. I’ve already done my fair share of that, and I’d love for the last five days of it to end well. It’s almost as if I’ve been doing this my entire life, because when it all boils down and all is said and done, it feels a little sad and a little enthralling; bittersweet, in a better sense. I’ve grown into this habit of letting out the various rants in my head, some of which make sense and others that don’t. But the point of it is that I write out everything I feel like writing, and that form of expression on its own is worth everything. I’ve been so used to it to the point that I’m contemplating my next 365-day project when I’m not done with this one just yet, but I guess it goes down to the fact that by taking a small portion of time each day, I make it worth something instead of wasting it on absolute nothingness. It’s nice to have something, no matter how minimal, to accomplish.

1 note (12:00)
Day #360

Those demons eating away at one’s brains are the worst kind of demons. The ones that show themselves in the form of a small voice in the back of your head, niggling at your mind and rendering you restless as you’re clouded over with thoughts that aren’t so pretty. The creatures of the night, that insist on bringing you down with them. We all have those, and some of us are sadly all too familiar with them to the point that being up at ridiculous hours of the nights being devoured by thoughts has become the norm. It’s almost tragic how they impose themselves, slowly creeping up to entirely take over your thoughts without really giving you much of an option or any idea that you’re in for the long run. It’s those exact thoughts that pick on each of us, differing from one person to the other but having one effect all the same— distress.

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Day #359

Millions of ideas imposed, and millions of opinions derived, but barely any have been accepted. Not that opinions would need approval, anyways. But when one person has a certain opinion that doesn’t exactly agree with everyone else’s point of view (Or the more common one, in general), mayhem occurs, and it’s complete chaos and even though it’s merely a matter of opinion, said person could easily be led to believe that they’re wrong or abnormal. One concept that people tend to forget remembering is that no one’s correct when it comes to opinions. Just because it’s the ‘normal’ thing to hate carrots, doesn’t mean liking them is the end of the world, or that liking them is wrong, strange, or frowned upon, really. People have different opinions and different concepts, but the one concept everyone should collectively agree on is that it’s alright not to agree with someone else. Like they say, different strokes for different folks.. Or something similar to that.

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Day #358

One of the best feelings is getting rid of one of your insecurities, permanently, I hope. Today I finally got my braces removed, and it was one of the better things that happened this year. Not because I got rid of a main source of nuisance, because although that’s partially true, it’s not all the reason for why I’d been more than glad to have my braces removed. I’ve babbled on here a fair amount about how insecure I’ve been about my teeth and all that stuff, then I had a sugery done, then had retainers, then braces, and it’s been a hectic process. It wasn’t pleasant at all, either, and that was the thing. Because I wouldn’t really be too bummed about it if I hadn’t spent three years back and forth from one dentist to the other. It’s just a really complicated and long process, full of dentist offices and waiting rooms, but I eventually made it, and for that, I think, I’ve earned the right to be proud of my teeth the way they look, despite how conceited that may sound on my part.

I’ve also had plenty of experience and learned so much today, in some way. I’m glad, and I’m thankful.

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Day #357

Do what you do at your own pace, but as you stand up for what you think is right, or stick up for someone who you think has been treated unfairly, or do something that you love— stick to it. Whatever you do, go through with it and work with dignified means that show just how passionate you are about your cause, otherwise you’re considered useless in the eyes of others working for a cause much like your own. You can’t stand up for women rights and make a sexist joke because you deem yourself funny. You can’t take a stand against bullying and then call someone fat or ugly. That’s not how it works. And in fact, you’re completely contradicting yourself and taking a turn to the wrong way when you do these things. It doesn’t help anyone, and when you take a step back just to make a witty comment that may have not been found funny at all, you’re only making matters worse. It’s not about what you do, but it’s always about how you do it.

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Day #356

Part II. As poems have no restraints.
I’m sitting here, torn between
being in love with this beautiful city,
all the street lights that give me
that little bit of reassurance
that for another night, I’m here
and for another night, I’m safe.
The sun reappearing every morning,
to prove that my life,
in a place I call home,
is still ongoing and alive.
I’m thankful for a roof, electricity and safety,
I’m thankful for another chance, each morning less hasty.
But as thankful as I am,
there are places I wanna be.
There are dreams I wanna chase,
there are hopes for me in other places.
And maybe, just maybe,
as much as I’d call this home,
it’s not where I’m destined to be for a while.
And maybe, just maybe,
I’m only losing my mind.

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